Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
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