i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
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