I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
