dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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