Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
