he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
