I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
