how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
