when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
