Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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