Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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