I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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