i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
