mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You ruined the universe
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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