You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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