im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
