Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Still dying that you shit outside
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
