my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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