apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
