Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
