My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
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