Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Randomize
