went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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