how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just found a bag of teeth...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
