are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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