listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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