I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
