god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
