You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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