I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
MIDGETS
????
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
