Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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