I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
