apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
