My sheets look like a crime scene.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
