you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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