Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I can't turn off my feet"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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