This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
