I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
