should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
