Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
