Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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