i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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