I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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