I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I need to align my fucking chakras
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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