used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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