I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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