Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Success! We fucked roommates!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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