Buhtt sex?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
