i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
