new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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